Retirement: Lessons From the First Year

Here are five battle-tested rules for surviving that dreaded "now what?" stage of retirement.

By Ellen Florian Kratz

July 20, 2007

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"That paycheck is a weekly reminder of your value." Not surprisingly, the more all-consuming the career, the more difficult for the retiree to adjust. "They need that daily validation from the working world around them," says Lauren Mackler, a personal and professional coach.

Case in point: Ajit Kapoor, 63, of Orlando, who spent the past 30 years climbing his way up the corporate ladder at companies like Xerox, AlliedSignal, General Motors, and finally Lockheed Martin. His wife, Sarah, had long been telling him that he needed to find an identity outside work. He paid no heed—until the pool party at his neighbor's house last November, a month after he retired as chief technology architect. One of his friends introduced him to another guest as "a big shot at Lockheed."

"Actually I'm not," Kapoor replied. "I just retired."

The remark and his own response threw Kapoor for a loop. "My whole life I was Ajit Kapoor, VP of something," he says. "Suddenly people were like, 'Who are you?' And I had to think about it."

So he took up some hobbies, like golf and cooking. He visited his children in Boston and Phoenix. He read novels. Time helped heal the identity wound. "Gradually you find that you aren't suddenly nobody," he says. Still, he hasn't completely found a sense of self outside work. He recently started a business named (tellingly) Kapoor Group that consults with small companies in India.

Making new connections is also important in discovering your worth outside work. One of the great nonmonetary benefits of a full-time job is the wellspring of friendships you develop with people who have a pretty good understanding of what makes you tick. It's a benefit that most of us take for granted.

According to a 2006 study by Ameriprise Financial, Age Wave, and Harris Interactive, losing those social connections is the most unforeseen difficulty of retirement. Just 13% of preretirees say it will be the hardest aspect to deal with, but once out the door, 22% report this loss as the greatest adversity during the transition.

You and the spouse will be spending a lot—a LOT—of time together

Laura Mendelsohn, 59, had been warned by friends to expect some tension with her husband after she retired in 2003 as a research scientist for Eli Lilly. Married 26 years to Alan, age 57, she thought they had worked out all the usual marital kinks along the way. "We got along so well," she says. "What could we possibly have conflict with?"

For starters, having less time and space to herself. If he is watching television, and she wants to practice her violin, she schleps her stuff upstairs so that she doesn't disturb him. When she needs to work on part-time medical writing assignments, he has a hard time with her shutting the door in order to concentrate.

"He's around more than I expected," she says. "If I want to read a book or work on learning Italian, I have to hide. It's great that he wants to be with me, but sometimes I'm busy conjugating verbs."

With all of that togetherness, which you may or may not have been longing for, unexpected issues can arise in even the best of partnerships. "People don't anticipate the problems around this transition," says Phyllis Moen, a sociology professor at the University of Minnesota who has studied the effects of retirement on marriage.

"Couples need to renegotiate their time together and their routines, just as they did early in their marriage." Her research finds that newly retired couples report the highest levels of marital conflict. The good news is that after two years that tension tends to diminish.

Developing common interests keeps relationships strong. Neither Laura nor Alan traveled much for work, so trotting the globe was a big priority. At least once or twice a year the Indianapolis couple takes some far-flung trip—a week in Provence, a drive along the Amalfi coast.

But just as important is having time apart. Alan wants to see more of the world than Laura does. So last year he toured Asia without her. Laura joined a book group and takes acrylic-painting classes.

"I'm more solitary, and he's very gregarious," she says. Which is fine, says Moen: "Marriages do better when spouses have time to do their own thing."

Recalibrating your marriage takes a little practice and a little getting used to, just like everything else about your post-corporate life. If bliss were a simple matter of golf, sailboats, and watching Law & Order marathons, this stuff would be easy. Alas, no. Retirement is a lot of work, so get cracking.

Research Associate: Susan M. Kaufman contributed to this article.

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